What if life is just be a test for your soul to pass? The test simply being: to endure the whole thing, without killing yourself. There must be some reward for those who endure the whole way through. And for those who fail, maybe it is just a trap. Maybe there is really no way out.
My best days are ahead. There’s a day in the future, when my to-do list will be small and quiet. I’ll escape outside and meet you under the navy sky. We’ll cruise through the beautiful night, drinking up the warm weather. Windows down, stereo up, with our girl Mary. At the destination, our minds will leak freely out of our heads’ boundaries, dancing around the air to the delicious sounds. We’ll be mindless. Timeless. Free.
I moved on and never looked back. It was hard for me to remember us because of how we turned out; because you said things I couldn’t fathom would ever cross your mind about me.
Thinking back, we shared a darkness that nobody else seemed to understand. There was a comforting beauty in our commiseration, like the pained music we soaked our wounds in. Now I sit inside this music alone, and often run out of understanding sounds. Maybe you have some sonic gems that could be fitting. I wish you’d share; but I don’t intend to interrupt your chance at love. In case that’s what it’d look like.
He covered me in a protective cocoon of love and warmth that transformed me. He shone brighter than you, while I was in it. Now I’ve got some distance from it, and the hindsight that comes with that. He never truly understood the darker depths I hold. Maybe you didn’t either, but it sure felt like it at the time.
I feel tired. I feel so unbelievably tired to the core of my soul. Spent; exhausted. Emotionally, physically, and mentally. I’ve been low before, but I’ve never experienced quite such a well-rounded depletion before. I am the busiest I’ve been in my whole life, and the most alone I’ve been in years. I talk to myself more than I talk to any other person. Actually, that’s not new. I think I have always talked more to myself than to any other person. Maybe not in volume.. because I am talking to so many different people all day every day.. But in the most meaningful manner, where I can speak my mind in its purest, most unadulterated form.. In such a way that you can only speak with the only companion who has been there to experience your every thought, memory, and education with you all along: yourself. I think that is who I am discovering in this particular winding rollercoaster loop in my life. I am on my own in a way I’ve never experienced. If I fall now, absolutely nobody will know or care. The responsibility of living has become 100% mine. No boyfriend. No former “best friends”. No comfort zone. No long hair. No illusions of society. No childhood status to shelter me any more. Half of this was due to things out of my control, but the other half was by my own choices. It was my marriage to truth that made me choose being alone, over keeping anything that revealed itself to be impure. I’ve been cleaning out my body, life, and soul for the past few years, shoveling out everything dirty and tainted. I threw out so much old junk: terribly heavy fears, insecurities, toxic attitudes, all lies, and all hate. I’ve been actively filling that space with Love, as much as I can. And now, I have just reached a point where the only thing I want in my life is trueness, realness. I need to know that I deep down am being honest and real with my own life. And if I am really honest with you, it has been so fucking terrifying to lose so many people and things that I loved in such a short period of time. It’s left a gigantic hole somewhere in my soul and a mysterious sore in my chest that physically pains me every day. It’s left me with the deepest questions on whether true friendship and companionship can even exist. The only person who I can trust is myself. The only person who can even understand what I say is myself. This is the simple fact at this point in time. I’m willing to let go of this notion if I’m ever proven wrong, and I hope I am. But after all is said and done so far, my life has led me to this single conclusion, and I see no other plausible explanation in sight. In a way it is pretty sad. In another way, I feel happy that there is at least one person in this entire goddamn world that I can actually trust and believe in, even if it is just little old me. I’ve seen the whole entire, uncut, unrated story of my life. Therefore, I truly do know and understand who it is that I am. The more I open my eyes and observe the way I have lived, I can’t help but begin to fall into a deep, deep love that I’ve never felt before. I’m developing a compassion and understanding of my own self that feels just like meeting a new person— a person with many beautiful flaws, facets, and feelings that continually surprise me. It’s astonishing how terrible I used to be to myself.. god… the things I used to do to me.. say to me… Wow, now that I think about that, I really have grown… which is exactly what I had wanted and predicted was going to happen at this time of my life! It’s crazy to think about…. I started out this entry so down, but even in typing this, I feel like I’ve ended up in a different place. Maybe this is still part of the Master Plan, after all. Maybe I haven’t gotten off track after all, and this was supposed to happen. God knows I’ve been trying my best just to honor the truest path facing me.. Some days I feel so lost, tired, and confused that I don’t know or understand a single thing at all, except that I just tried my best that day…. So maybe I really am alone and going through these challenges for a reason right now. I’m gonna put on a brave face and live out this difficult part, and see how I end up. Don’t feel like saying anything more. Thank you, my beloved little journal.
I ask myself why,
Why do all of these people talk to me,
When none of these people care about me?
Rarely do I look back on the past. I’m a fan of fresh starts for a reason—the past can hurt to remember. But on rare nights like these, I let myself glance back. Boy, I sure have had some great times with some wonderful people. There’s a lot that I can miss if I allow myself to, a lot that I wish could have been different. Can’t blame myself though, for I have always lived earnestly. Tonight I looked back pretty far. It reminded me of a me from around 4 years ago, who I want to remember—a girl who I can learn from today. There was some sort of spice, confidence, naive enthusiasm in her, that grew so dim along the way. Now that I’m on my own once again, perfect opportunity to unbury her from the past 4 years of shit and let her back out to play. I usually try to forget the past and focus on who I am now and becoming, but it isn’t so bad to look back a little. In a way, it’s nice to remember that I have existed all along. In hindsight, all the past me’s have been rather lovely to be. I’m grateful for the time I had with every beautiful person that played a part in the story of my life.
J: But what’s the meaning?
C: There is none.
J: Then how can I go on?
C: Go on without meaning.
C: How have you gotten this far?
J: I don’t remember….. I guess on 2 conditions: 1) Nothing else has killed me so far, and 2) I’ve resisted killing myself so far.
C: Then that is what you will need to continue on.
J: Neither of the two are guaranteed to stay true.
J: So how do I know if I will make it?
C: You can never know. You can try your hardest to keep both conditions true, temporarily. But ultimately, one of the two will have you. The question is, which do you prefer it be?
J: …Not sure…
C: On the deepest fundamental level, nobody truly cares if you’re happy. Nobody truly cares if you’re alive. You are the only one to whom that matters. The truth of the matter is, you do have a choice. If you don’t want your life, understand that there is a way out. It is a simple value proposition. You must simply ask yourself if it is worth it.
J: I really have to choose? Can’t someone else choose? You know, God or something.
C: Dear sleepy girl, there is so much you don’t yet understand.
J: I don’t!! Not at all!! Can’t somebody just help me?!?! I just need help…. please :(
C: The short answer is no.
J: Then who will??? What do I do???
All that energizes me,
also depletes me.
There is nowhere to run.
Stay awake. Let nothing hijack your mind.
You are in control. Your freedom shall never be taken from you, while your eyes are wide awake.
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