S: Do I really have to play this game?
J: Sydney, you don’t HAVE to do anything you don’t want to.
S: Okay, so then… do I want to?
J: You said you wanted to participate in the world, right? You’re gonna have to play the game, if you want to participate. Why not just play it, what’s the big deal? You were born into it, you have no choice but to be here, why not just do this thing and enjoy it? There’s nothing to think or worry about since you already know it’s just a game.
S: Well, it’s gonna be hard and uncomfortable and I’m not always gonna win. I’m actually gonna be “losing” most of the time.
J: First of all, I know that you know, that that’s one of the worst illusions ever. There’s no such thing as losing or winning in this game. And so what if you’re not gonna win? Don’t play it for that then.
S: Then what would I play it for?
J: (Shrugs.) You decide, Syd. You like doing that.
S: I have no idea what kinda reasons could possibly make it feel worth it for me to follow any of these ridiculous rules for the rest of my life.
J: Dude, who said anything about the rest of your life? Why don’t you just do it for as long as you want, ‘til you’ve gotten where you wanted? Then when you’ve had enough of that, just do something the fuck else that you want to do. You’re thinking wayyy too far ahead, friend.
S: Sure. I have no idea what to do so I might as well just do whatever you just said. I don’t even remember what it was anymore. What’d you say?
J: You don’t need to feel lost. I just said, you can have what you want.
S: I don’t know what I want.
J: You don’t have to know. Just live the best way you know how to live. I’m really not worried about you, you know. You’d have been fine with or without this conversation. Just keep wandering until you stumble on that thing you really want. You just haven’t gotten to that part yet.
S: “That part”, yet? What “part” am I in now?
J: Okay right now you’re in the part where you’re being shown lots of paths you don’t want to take. Path after path after path of what doesn’t make you happy. So that when you do find the right one, you’ll be ready for it. By the time you find it, you’ll understand the beauty and gravity and responsibility of that path, and you’ll honor it with all your heart and soul. I’m talking about your Life’s Purpose. Once it’s right in front of you, you’ll know. Once you see it, you will HAVE to have it. You won’t have to convince yourself, okay? You’re gonna leave everything behind, just pick up and go, and off into the world you’ll be, to follow that Purpose with everything you have. You won’t ever let go. When you find it, dare I say it… you’ll understand Love! That capital-L Love you’ve always wondered about! Sydney, let me be absolutely clear with you:
That Life’s Purpose will never be done any greater justice, or with more perseverance, or passion, or Love, than when YOU did it. That’s how we’ll know that was it. It’s gonna be the thing that will NEVER be the same again, once you’re done with it.
You’ll even… be willing to play the game for it. Just for awhile, you know. You might even learn some things about the game that you didn’t expect.
S: Okay, I’m just gonna believe you on that. I no longer know ANYTHING for myself anymore, so I’m just gonna trust you.
If I were to write a book, I think I would write it from the perspective of somebody watching me with ultimate compassion. Some of it would be truth, some would be fiction, and all of it will be meaningful to my life. I won’t explain this when the book comes out. This is just a small secret snippet for my loyal readers :)
I knew Sydney, sometimes, better than she knew herself. We had a moment once, and I told her. We called each other beautiful that night. She started off unsure about whether I was beautiful, and I sensed it. She said it before she meant it, but she slowly fumbled some words together, until she was eventually talking with the greatest conviction about how beautiful I am. She listed a lot of true reasons, and good ones, about why I’m amazing, and even got a little angry for my sake, saying how anybody who doesn’t see it doesn’t deserve any respect for their opinion because they are simply a fucking idiot. It was kinda like watching her convince herself, or maybe like she could just think herself into believing it because she wanted to, until she eventually she decided it was an acceptable conclusion—that yes, I am beautiful. I didn’t care because I loved her. I believed everything she said. Just because she said it. It didn’t even matter if it wasn’t true. Whenever she gives her love, I will be there to receive it. I’ll deal with it then, when her love is gone again. It was cute how she got so passionate about how beautiful I am, even though she doesn’t even know what she believes half the time. She doesn’t really have any true beliefs, it’s more like whatever is true in that moment is as true as it ever matters for anything to be true. The next moment could be totally different. She has always been the emotional one, but I think I am the one who really understands love. She thinks I’m heartless because I don’t get all crazy for people like she does. And I guess it’s true that I don’t really give a shit about most people. But I guess I’ve just always known deep down what mattered to me, and I always knew who I loved. She’s always run around everywhere searching for love with other people, to make her feel alive. Because that’s how she is. She wants to know “capital L Love” because of curiosity about how it feels. She feels empty a lot and she thinks capital L Love is what’s been missing all along. I don’t know if I can ever teach her myself just by loving her, but I think maybe she can stumble upon the answer herself. Whether she does or doesn’t, I’ll be here. I don’t really have anywhere else to go.
What do you look for in a guy? -ajack-of-trades
This is worth saying first: I can’t STAND a guy who’s vain and consumed by his public image.
I respect men who are authentic, honest, and always striving for growth.
At the end of the day, it comes down to: I either feel it, or I don’t.
You know, right before I die I think I will publish every single diary record I have written in my entire life. Every private, shameful, inspiring, dramatic, poetic, pathetic, mundane detail of every secret thought I’ve ever written to myself. Why the fuck not. It’s pointless to try to protect or cultivate any ounce of your ego once you’re dead. Might as well air it all out and say, “This is everything I can possibly tell you about who I was, the life I lived, all the good things I did, all the wrongs I committed, and the things I felt. Now to everyone in the world, goodbye forever!”
I will publicly slay my ego, and then I will die. It will be so liberating.
^ Click that and tell me something, anything you want.
I haven’t felt attracted to anybody in so damn long. I can’t even remember what it’s like to to feel any physical or romantic pull whatsoever to any guy.
I need something different. Something like the feeling of deep intrigue. The feeling like I need to get closer.
In time, Sydney. In time.
If you were warm and kind to me during a time when the world was cold and cruel, I will remember it forever. Thank you.
For a long time, I made the mistake of acknowledging only the hate, always wanting to “gain” the approval of people who don’t care about me. But now I can sincerely say, fuck em! If you wanna roll with me, awesome- let’s do amazing things. We can change the world, friends. Am I not for you? That’s cool too- you do you. I’m happily doing me.
When you see hate in your path, don’t bother looking at it. Instead, find where the love is, and follow it all the way up to bloom into your full potential. The love is your little light in the dark tunnel. Walk towards it and watch yourself grow.
I promise, follow the love in your life and it won’t steer you wrong :O)
Everything I need for this voyage of life is already inside me. When I was born into a baby’s body, I was a seed. The whole concept of life is simply a chance to allow every bit of my seed to be expressed, to bloom into its adult form. I was given a body. I was given a consciousness. I was given a birthplace in this world; my starting point. I was given choices to make. I was given an unknown but limited amount of time. Given even a family. Given love. In being born, I was given everything I need to live this particular life. The universe took almost 14 billion years to make me, to arrange me into this specific combination of molecules. As humans, we get to enjoy a pretty amazing existence that is so full of richness. We get emotions, 5 different senses, and so many cool experiences to feel out. Like the experience of having friends, the experience of walking, of dancing, of talking, of exploring. I mean humans have only been around for .0005% of time itself, so… we’ve gotten a pretty sweet end of this deal. Most of existing has never been this cool or fun.
There’s no need to feel pressure about this amazing gift, either. You’re a seed of the universe. Don’t be afraid. You were made exactly this way for a reason. And if you just happen to be one of the extra weird ones, no, you do not have to be a single bit like anybody else. It’s true. You don’t need anybody else to validate your existence. Your birth was your validation. Your unique DNA, which is coded into every single cell in your body, is your birth certificate. That shit is yours and only yours! Let it become what YOU want it to become. Just go be yourself. What you want deep inside, is what your DNA wants to do with itself during its life. Don’t apologize to anyone who doesn’t want what you want; quite honestly, they simply just don’t understand. Even the people who are on your side will never truly understand, simply because all of us can only live inside our own consciousness. It’s lovely to have friends along the way, though. And it’s okay that we’re all on different journeys. Just be thankful when you get to join hands with other friendly voyagers for a short while, and share a great view of the world together while it lasts. Never take it personally if or when your paths diverge. You do have to walk your own path, and they do have to walk theirs, after all. Wish them well on their journey, and remember them fondly when you look back on your life’s adventure.
I think I’ve come a long way, and I’m proud of myself for that. I’ve risen to meet my challenges and smashed through many of my obstacles. There is, of course, a lot left to go and much still to learn. Even just yesterday, I fell down. My rebound time after each fall is getting better, though. Each time I fall, I get back up a little quicker. It used to take me like, months to years after a fall. Now I seem to push forward with a lot more ease and lightness. It’s pretty easy to do, once you start to acknowledge that the past is over. Who you were no longer exists. Who you are today is real; the past you has already expired. Every morning, a new you is born to a new day. Every night, the past you goes to sleep and never wakes up. By morning, you are a new person. Your brain and your cells have literally changed over night. It’s much easier to move forward when you’re not trying to drag your dead past self with you.
I’m not nearly there yet, though. I know what stands in my way. The fear of discomfort, for example. The fear of shame. But most of all, the fear of greatness. I’ve worked deeply on these throughout the past year. I gained clarity and saw that there is nothing in the way but my own mind. Every obstacle is nothing more than an element of the game, like a spiky cactus in a Super Mario video game. You just gotta take a little extra time to jump over it. Or sometimes, it’s an ocean standing in your way. All that means is you have to jump up onto the clouds and take that higher route, collecting the hidden coins along the way.
I won’t even entertain the thought that I’m not strong enough for this journey. Forget that. I’m not going to even think about it, because it’s a useless idea that does not make me strong. I am strong. I choose to be strong. Power isn’t given, you take it. And it is just that simple to choose your destiny. Yes, your destiny is the one you choose. Have faith in what you believe. Sometimes, you just have to do a little digging to find out what those true beliefs are, deep down.
You are an incredible self-aware, even self-repairing machine, and a work of art that the universe curated over billions of years of evolution. All the right answers (for you) are already written inside you. Dig deep, find them, and follow them.
That is all you will need.
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