I’m reaching that boiling point again… the one that happens when my limitations keep poking me everywhere and slapping me around, and I keep failing… and failing… until I become really fucking pissed at the situation… and I go fucking hulk and choke the shit out of these goddamn LIMITS.
Life, you son of a bitch. Coaching me the brutal way you do. We’re sparring in the ring right now, training for the war. I know that you just want the best for me. And you know that I love you. So excuse me while I kick your ass real quick.
This is a self that I had almost forgotten. I’ve been busy getting into my body and out of my mind. Almost thought I was leaving behind the introverted life. But here we are again, beautiful lonesome. A solitary night in my bedroom, trying to sort out crazed feelings through the pen, to the sounds of old school hip hop. ‘Lonely writer’ was a title I thought I’d never miss, but here I find myself again, and it echoes of a nostalgic familiarity.
I don’t like being too busy. And I don’t like the way this world is set up. There are many things I feel deeply convicted to change about this world. If only my stamina did not betray me. Physical vitality has always been my weak point. Either my body or my spirit always feel so tired. I’ve been fighting a long war with weakness and fear. Thankfully, I exited those battles on the winning end, but this is a new battlefield now. It’s all unfamiliar. The working world. The world of speed, innovation, and competition. I dedicated last year to building up my physical strength, and it worked; it helped me to victory against the monsters that challenged me. It was a mistake to let my fitness slip away after my knee injuries, because this new life has physical demands that I’ve never experienced before. It’s a mental and physical feat to juggle all the demands that have suddenly been placed on me. I know many others in my age group are feeling the same growing pains. I don’t want to say my life is any harder than any of my peers’, because it’s not. I might just be more keenly aware of all the things demanding my attention and my energy. Academics, work, creative projects, friends, family, hobbies, personal growth, and the list goes on… The greed of desire is exhausting. I’ve been wanting too much. I’m being very careful to regulate my priorities now. Cutting away all but what is absolutely necessary. Simplify, and focus—this is the strategy.
As uncomfortable and challenging it is on some days, I brought this upon myself. Nobody said I had to do all of this. I voluntarily put myself in this situation, because I wanted this. I wanted to grow, to stretch, to push myself beyond all my physical, mental, and emotional limits. This was the theme of last year. I succeeded then, and I wanted to go even further. Now that those thresholds are being approached again, I find myself drawing back. I keep doing this. I’ve gone through a lot of big changes in the past year, each marked by a degree of inner resistance and doubt. It’s a teasing dance between a new me that wants to emerge, and the old me who wants to stay. Some new conviction lingers unconsciously in my mind, teasing me, draining me, until I’ve had enough. It ends in a swift moment when I finally stand my ass up and smash the dance to an end, with a victorious action. The new me that had been growing within announced herself to the outside world when I shaved my head. Seeing such a different person in the mirror was a little shocking for the first few days, but she felt right. I felt that the true me from within had finally grown into visible sight.
I shouldn’t doubt myself. I should have faith, because I’ve lived long enough to develop some true confidence in myself. The kind of deep confidence that can only come from repeated success and proven character. Life’s tested me with challenges, and I have proven my integrity, strength, and fortitude to the person who matters most: me. Even though some my former closest friends failed to see that, deep down I know the truth. The truth is on my side. They may never realize how wrong they were, but I am at peace to know that their wrongness is not my burden. I acted with dignity, honesty, and respect. I did not allow their terrible, hurtful actions to make me act in any way I was not proud of. The best advice I received was from Brett, who advised me to “move through it as swiftly and gracefully as possible”. Through it was an extremely difficult, drawn-out situation, that is just what I did. I got myself out of the toxic environment, as swiftly and gracefully as humanly possible. Thoughts and nightmares still cling to my mind, but I know I will slowly heal. Ultimately, they lost a friend who loved them so dearly, with a loyalty you may only be lucky enough to find a few times in your life. They let a lesser person poison their mind with outrageous, hateful thoughts, and could no longer see clearly. When they broke covenant with our friendship, it became clear what path they’d chosen, and it became clear what path was remaining for me. I’m so grateful for the love of true friends surrounding me during that time. Without their amazing souls and the beautiful moments life blessed me with, that level of betrayal could have destroyed my heart beyond recognition. I survived with my dignity, integrity, and loving spirit in tact. I consider that a personal victory. Maybe my ability to trust has been damaged. There’s a deep pain that lingers, but I trust that it is working itself out on some unconscious level. I am still learning from the experience. Despite the remaining pains, I do believe I am happier now.
I sense that every hardship has been a preparation for something. I believe that Life has been giving me these experiences because I will need them. Throughout these hardships, I’ve built myself a certain set of tools that will come in handy. The present stage of my life, these last few months ahead, will be a hard fight, but a small one in comparison with what’s to come. I sense there is a giant war coming, of global proportions. There are great, intolerable evils in the world, and they must be obliterated. I will take personal responsibility for making sure of that. For this seemingly impossible task, I need to become impossibly strong. I need to develop indomitable physical, mental, and spiritual fortitude. I need to understand why all of this has been happening to me, and take these situations very seriously as training for what’s to come. The sense of responsibility feels like the weight of the entire world on my shoulders. When I try to fathom everything that must be done, it feels like I will inevitably be crushed. But I will not, because I can not. I have to succeed, because this crumbling world needs a hero. It needs many heroes. Soon, Life will connect me with my allies. Until then, I need to make my own mind, body, soul, and life into a single incorruptible fortress, where my allies will find a trustworthy haven. I need to take each of these smaller daily battles seriously, because they will make me inwardly and outwardly as strong as possible. So let’s get back to work.
Living can be so painful, so lonely, so full of discomfort. This is inescapable.
Time and again, the Big Question stares me down;
Why must we live?
Damn, I still miss every single thing.
I miss that watch with the orange face, that you took off and put on my desk every night. The feeling of hugging you when you wore a cotton t-shirt. The way you found things on the ground and kept them, like they were gifts from fate. Your dance moves. The way you held me and sang your made up rhymes. The way you wanted to see me every day. Your patience. Your selflessness. Your complete lack of vanity. The scent of cigarettes and weed mixed into your kisses. The cute way you apologized. Your adorable insecurities. The way your big, safe hands grabbed mine. Your badassness. How you understood the trippy side of life. The strong, crazy intimacy. Your stolen hats. Your charisma. Your laugh. Your sexy ass. Your sexy torso. Your height. The way our bodies fit. Your alpha-ness. The way you always knew when something was wrong. How you never let me turn my face away when I cried. How you could always get a laugh out of me. Your family. Your outfits. Your cologne. Laying on top of you. Your sharp mind. The way you helped me grow. Our teamwork. Our games. Eating with you. Your compliments. The way you posted default pictures only with me. Even waking you up for ROTC in the mornings. Rubbing your head. Your loyalty. Your simple lifestyle. Your vices. Giving you massages. Your popularity. The way you commanded respect. Your kindness. Your eyes. Your perfect smile. Your maturity. The way you never held a grudge. How you were always down for an adventure. How you were a loyal companion in every step. The way you said I was your future.
You’re long gone. You no longer exist. But I still miss every single thing about you.
…So I’m learning to love silently
in such a way that you are free;
unless your heart ever changes,
and you find it’s seeking me.
…But I don’t think you will.
But I’ll be here if you do.
Had a dream about an ex,
The one with the lying problem.
Looked him up on Facebook-
He looks good actually,
Got himself a blonde girlfriend.
The other ex, the one trapped inside his ego
Has a new girlfriend I think-
Still likes ‘em top-shelf.
Stopped sending me lonely texts
Searching for something.
Most recent ex texted me yesterday
“Merry Christmas Joanne ;)”
Nearly ruined my Xmas brunch with confusion
But I was nice because
I guess I’m nice.
Have been on my mind.
Haven’t given me a good reason yet
To take you seriously,
But what if
Did any of it matter?
It mattered when it mattered.
Does it matter anymore now?
You letting go was the best way it could have possibly happened. It was never going to be me who could ever let go. Not after the way you exploded my life into millions of glowing, beautiful, technicolor pieces.
I don’t know if I’m hot or cold. Relieved or sad. I would say I am— suspended. Isn’t that what depression is? You’re stuck. Your emotions are a mystery to your mind. You don’t even know how you feel. All you can do is try to decode the.. strange slowness of your body.. the odd, surreal blurring of life before your eyes. You might notice that everything feels different, or you might not. If you notice, it may clue you in; ‘perhaps I am sad about something.’ But usually, you are too lost to notice. Everything moves slowly, strangely. But you just don’t know; feelings are nowhere to be found. Sometimes, a foreign thought is heard in the mind; ‘Reaching for you again meant everything. That love was supposed to stay.’
But even when one is depressed, it is important to be functionally depressed.
The way to deal, is simply to find small pockets of time in which it feels bearable to move.
you. (since us.)
During a tense Facebook chat,
You demanded a decision.
Clutching my face, trying to memorize it for the last time,
Reading my texts,
You had nothing more to say. (I suppose.)
When I did it again,
You screamed for the first time, drunkenly.
Every time I asked, still,
You gave your entire heart again.
Over the next year,
Reading my texts,
You answered, spare answers.
We planned dates,
You forgot to follow up. (Too busy.)
When I clutched your face,
Your eyes hid your soul from me.
Last night I asked again,
By then, you were just being nice.
- Sydney Wonder
I want somebody who can understand my sadness— not just understand that I am sad.